So I went underground for Scorpio season and took time to reflect on what has been an incredibly transformational year. This time last year I had moved to London and given myself space to completely be alone with myself for what felt like the first time in my life. This season I have appreciated looking back at all that has changed since then. I acknowledge and celebrate myself for how much stronger I have become. This year I was able to experiment with a lot of new ways of being… new projects, new ideas, new friendships, and new experiences. In order to do so I was asked to shed A LOT. It was painful, but necessary shedding—and I feel so grateful to come back from the underground with a stronger sense of self, and with clarity of vision.
I want to thank all of you for being here with me on this journey and holding space for my experimentation as I tried on different versions of myself to see what fit.
This year I feel like I’ve finally started to understand the natural cycles of life in a way that I’ve sought to over the past couple of years. I’ve come to give myself grace for all my shortcomings, and have been deeply committed to the process of loving myself, setting healthier boundaries, and giving myself *more permission* in all aspects of life.
At the end of last year, I sat with one of my best friends for probably three days straight doing Tatianna Tarot’s new year forecast, planning meticulously, and searching for guidance on how to move into the new year. Within the first month of the year, all of my plans flipped. I realized then that it was going to be one of *those years*, but looking back now I see the immense lessons that I was being asked to learn. I went into the year charging forward without a clear vision for my life (which is kind of a reckless thing to do, & I feel like a lot of us do this because we’ve been trained to think constantly moving upward is the way to go, thxx you capitalism). I wrote down images of what I thought I saw for myself and my life almost out of a sense of obligation, but none of it felt true. What I didn’t realize was that this whole year was going to be one of clarifying my vision through trial and error, through ritual and release.
Last December when I tried to see the path forward, I was able to conjure up images of a life that I thought would be good for me. Every few months I would go back to what I wrote for myself hoping to find inspiration, but instead realized that what I’d written felt empty of any sort of passion, and didn’t really excite my spirit. I think I’d written down a vision that on paper checked a bunch of boxes, but wasn’t authentic to me. Over time and with patience I came to realize that the vision I’d imagined was not really mine.
Not surprising, considering that I’m a triple mutable sign who tends to bend & get lost in other people’s wants and needs. I was looking at other people’s road maps and subconsciously making them my own, rather than doing the Sag Rising thing and shooting my arrow into uncharted territory, and figuring out a new path forward.
Going into this new year I have a new sense of peace and understanding around practicing patience until the vision comes rather than trying to force it. I’ve learned to appreciate all edges of the cycle, including the ones where seemingly nothing is happening. Those moments of rest are preparing for the moments of movement. & the vision *will come*.
It took me an entire year for this foggy type veil to lift from my eyes, but the clarity that has finally come is 20/20, which is making it much easier to stay on an unwavering path. More so, it’s making it easier for me to trust the process and know that all is happening in its own divine timing.
This year I learned how to lean into trial & error, and to give myself room to just try new shit that I’d been scared to before. This year I learned that sometimes giving up is wise. Knowing when something needs to be buried alive in order to experience rebirth is something that capitalism has disconnected us from. Life Death life cycles are inevitable and beautiful, and what makes life sustainable.
Here are some of the things that I experimented with this year & what I learned in the process:
Higher Ground Podcast:
HG was truly a last-minute decision going into the year that came to me unexpectedly. I definitely threw myself into it not knowing what is doing, but knowing that there were so many lovely humans that I admire and I wanted to talk to them about real shit. On the technical side, it was honestly pretty bad lol (I do not recommend IG live)…but the content was rich. I learned so much from conducting those interviews, as I did listening back to them again and again. Another lesson came later as I obsessed over trying to salvage the audio so that they could be archived on Spotify. Ultimately, the amount of effort it was taking to edit and fix them was just not worth the time. A lesson in accepting failures and moving forward with more information to do better in the future. Who knows, maybe I’ll bring Higher Ground back at the start of the new year, and keep all of my lessons in my pocket. (If you’re a podcast producer hit me up!) All the episodes are LINKED HERE on my IG so go check em out if you’d like.
Tibi Tire Fundraiser/Art Showcase:
This year I did my first-ever musical performance and curated an intentional space that felt both spiritually grounded and intellectually curious. I was scared as hell and didn’t feel ready at all, but I learned that sometimes you have to just go for the thing and stop overthinking it. Part of loving myself means that I give myself grace for “not being where I want to be”, and releasing all sorts of learned shame around perfectionism. I was overwhelmed by the love and support. So many people came together giving time, energy, and money as an offering to keep me moving forward on my path. I remembered how supported I am. I remembered that I have a knack for curating meaningful spaces, and it gave me the confidence to expand my vision. Truly one of my top birthdays thus far. (Up there next to salsa dancing in Cuba with all my friends on my 21st birthday).
I started this sub stack page!
I have always loved documenting and sharing my life journey. I had a blog back in college (the first iteration of Honey & Smoke) and for a couple of years after. I gave Substack a shot to see if maybe I could make some money off of my words. Ultimately, I realized that this wasn’t going to be a great financial support, *however* it became a deeply meaningful way for me to connect with community and express my deeper experience to loved ones. For those of you were patrons and donated one bougie coffee a month to support me, I really deeply appreciate you. For those who just took the time to read my words for free, I also deeply appreciate you.
I started Youtube Series, Loose Leaf Tea!
Not only was loose-leaf tea a lot more editing work than I’d anticipated (lol), but it was also superrrr fun. Knowing that my creative work can be incredibly deep and sometimes heavy, I was really craving an outlet that was playful and that had room for the different aspects of my personality to come together. I enjoyed the challenge of combining real ass subjects with sarcasm and humor. I also was just so happy to play and finally have a camera again to play with. I learned also that I need to slow down my pace sometimes because tbh editing takes a lot. I’m hoping soon to have a studio space where I don’t have to set up and break everything down for an hour before recording. Once I find a more easeful way to do this it’s a wrappp!
I tried to learn TikTok LOL.
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Enable 3rd party cookies or use another browserTikTok is in my opinion actually fun and way less stressful than Instagram. There are so many niche pockets of community which I think is really cool. Ultimately, I realized that I don’t really want to be a “content creator” and that I truly just want more space to work on my art. When it comes to putting daily time in, I couldn’t think of something that didn’t feel like it was pulling me away from my craft. But! I do think that could come soon. Now I know that as much as I am a health hoe, I don’t really want to create TikTok content that is therapy support. The lesson here: just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.
I started Djing!!
In looking for more joy practices, this was probably the most fun I’d had. I also learned the importance of having some things that you do just for fun, without trying to turn them into a career or make $$$ off them. A super tough balance to find as a creative. You can still book DJ Palo Santo, but for the most part, I’ll just be at the family/friend party playing around from time to time :)
I collaborated with friends, just for fun 💗🌱
Had such a fun photo shoot with my dear friend Kiah for her single “Terminator”. There are so many beautiful photos I haven’t been able to share yet, but honestly, the best part was waking up at sunrise to just go create with a loved one with not too much prep or overthinking. I then made a sweet little love video of my friends Alixx & Fran because I felt the creative itch and kept thinking about love while also consciously not dating 😭😅.
This is an incomplete list but it includes what feels resonant at the moment.
Ultimately, the biggest lesson that I learned was how to honor the constantly changing pace of life—to be with a more natural flow and listen to my body throughout the different seasons. I learned to be a better ally to myself and to stop putting other people’s needs and happiness before my own.
I learned to honor my needs and my space and with that, new visions began to emerge. I feel more me than I’ve ever felt, and am soooo excited for the life & creations that are going to come in 2023. I will be taking this next month to be with my art, to read, and to enjoy time with family and friends. If I’m back here it will be to share a playlist or perhaps some snippets from what I’m reading, but definitely don’t expect much 😂💗 I hope that you will enjoy this next month of time with loved ones, and I’ll catch you in 2023!! :)
xx
Reva